Diaries of a Recovering Know-it-all: Discipline, self-awareness & the art of saying no.

Most recently, I’ve been approached with situations that have made me question if I genuinely think as highly of myself as I perceive. For those who know me reading this, I’m sure you’re rolling your eyes at that statement. However, I have found that there is a vast difference between superficial confidence and the situations you enter into as unintentional self-sabotage that ultimately displays your deeper feelings about what you think you deserve. My friends know me to be someone who takes nothing from nobody, especially from men. When it comes to protecting the heart of my girlfriends, I have no issue being the person to have that awkward conversation to ensure they get the treatment they deserve and nothing less. However, I don’t necessarily feel as strongly a need to provide this type of protection for myself. My good guy friend told me the other day, ‘Gracee, you’re a high-quality woman’ - what I took as a nice way of saying: get your head out of the sand. And then it hit me… and humbled me - maybe I don’t know everything I think I do, and perhaps I don’t take the advice that I so passionately pour out to the other women in my life. The question I’ve now come to is  - why are we so willing to show up for others but not ourselves? 

While preaching independence, I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t like being alone. Not in the sense that I don’t think I can do things alone, I just certainly don’t prefer it. I’m a people person through and through, even if that means sitting in complete silence for hours accompanied by someone in the same room. To me, the true definition of a ‘high quality’ woman is knowing what you deserve and having the discipline to follow through with the steps you need to enhance your quality. I find myself at times lacking discipline when having to do things independently, as I’m sure most girls can relate to while trying to juggle the many expectations and life journeys we all experience in our twenties. It starts with things as simple as snoozing my alarm and not going to the gym because my friend that I usually go with cancelled on me. 

I’m the type of friend who will always show up if you’re relying on me. If you want to go to the gym at 9 am, I’ll set my alarm for 7 to ensure I don’t leave you waiting. If you want to meet before class to talk about something bothering you, I’ll cancel my plans for the day so I can be there to listen. However, while often feeling like I have no choice but to show up and provide for others when it comes to their emotional needs and physical and mental goals, recently, I rarely find myself doing those things for the sole purpose I want to do them for me not just because I don't want to let someone else down. 

With that,  I feel that self-worth ultimately starts with self-discipline. Not necessarily in a way where you are getting down on yourself for not completing all of your tasks for the day, but more so in a way of self-care that when you say you’re going to get up at 8 am to go for your morning walk, instead of hitting snooze to get an extra 5 minutes in, you pick out your workout set the night before to motivate you for your productive day ahead. I’ve realized it’s all about sticking to the simple things and your little tedious habits that will lead you to accomplish your most significant goals. 

While still working on self-discipline, I have learned, perhaps even mastered, the beauty of saying no. I struggled with this feeling of guilt in my teens, where I felt like I needed to be a yes man to my friends and peers in order to prove to them that I was the person who would put others above themselves - which I now see as such a strange concept. I have come to understand that being taught to be ‘selfless’ and one that is constantly putting others above themselves is a toxic cycle that leads to inevitable burnout. The cycle of ‘selflessness’ in some ways leads to creating the type of person who doesn’t know how to be okay with putting themselves first and someone who is constantly seeking validation from providing for others instead of focusing on providing care for themselves. Like everything, selflessness is obviously beneficial in specific scenarios and in small doses. However, how are you supposed to be someone who can provide your most authentic and worldly advice if you neglect self-discovery and self-care? It’s important to focus on the balance between being the type of friend who is there when you’re needed and also being okay with being the friend who says no to things that disrupt your peace or the time that you have set aside for yourself.

It’s not selfish to say no; in fact, I think it’s actually quite empowering and necessary to have friends who accept that you take the time to do things solely for you and don’t take offence to you saying no to things that you frankly don’t feel up to doing. The beauty of saying no for me has come from once being the person who would drop everything for everyone into now, the person who has set boundaries yet still makes the conscious effort to show up for those who need me. 

Ultimately, I think discipline and the beauty of saying no go perfectly hand in hand. However, like I always say - you can’t be good at everything! Becoming the high-quality woman that you want to be solely for your self starts with identifying where you excel and, most importantly, where you need to improve. Self-awareness is underrated yet essential to get what you’re looking for in life, whether that be in your career, relationships, or dreams. For me, this translates to taking advice from friends while also trusting my own opinion of what I think is right for me and perhaps realizing that, contrary to my own popular belief - I don’t know it all.

Talk soon,

Gracee